It’s funny how grief works. When my Dad first passed, I didn’t tell anyone that didn’t have to know for several months. Then I slid it in with close friends. Then I tried to put the truth in a tomb, never to be opened.
So when Feb. 1st rolled around, I was a bit surprised that my plan didn’t work (denial sneaking in).
Here is the truth: I actually HATE remembering sad dates. It’s a pet peeve. So I did everything to not remember it. That said, on Jan. 31 I went to bed and remembered thinking about how tomorrow is "the day". So all night I drilled my head (literally) into the pillow, determined to not make it a big day. I woke up with the stiffest neck of my life! Then went to a doc appt at 8:30am only to learn (again) that my insurance will not cover the visit even though the doc is listed on the insurance page. SO FRUSTRATING. (Finding docs and hair cutters is the worst part of moving.) I'm becoming more bummed. Almost in tears. Ready to give up. Give in. Make it a terrible day. I am walking to the car thinking about who I can call to help me out of this rut. Then I realized I was in a convenient part of town with errand-worthy stuff to do. Found the running store and got some much needed socks (tip: never buy running socks online). Then went into Trader Joe’s because I heard it was cool grocery story and I needed tortillas for dinner. I don’t really like shopping so don’t interpret this as nice, so much as these errands forced me to go slow. I started digging out of my rut. I finally arrived home to learn my noon meeting was cancelled. Could have spun, but stopped myself. I listened to my body. I was starving. Hadn’t had breakfast yet. So I made something nice (that my partner Handsome would never eat – farro and eggs). Then I divulged myself by unwinding with a chick flick. Totally let myself have that time. It wasn’t pity. It wasn’t sad. It wasn’t escape. It was just giving myself time and a slow space to process. I re-engaged for some afternoon meetings. Sitting still - this is very unlike me. Normally I put on that tough shell and bulldoze through anything, not acknowledging what I need. It ended up to be a really nice, peaceful day.
There are so many clients I have right now that are struggling with this concept of giving yourself permission to slow down, to get your needs met. When we talk through it, the solutions are often very simple, like my chick flick time.
Here’s the irony: when you feel like being alone, that is the time when you need least to be alone. Reach out. I’m here and would love to journey with you.